Stretched wide between joy and sorrow

While the days are growing longer and warmer (thankfully), this time of year is heavy for me. March 2 will mark three years since my mom, Janice, left this earth. I just saw a post that said, “All mothers need to be mothered” and there was more to read, but I quickly moved on. I didn’t want the reminder. I wonder how I can be mothered without my mother, if it’s possible.

I spent a week in Cerritos, Mexico over the Family Day break. This same week, three years ago, I was completely out of my body as a watched my mom wrestle with unmanageable pain. I remember some of this time, but most of it is buried away. I think the body has a way of doing this for us, to survive unimaginable loss.

This year, as I watched my kids play wildly in the waves with new friends, I truly felt joy, but with it, a deep, full body ache that my mom was not with me to see them. She loved these two little people more than anything. I do not have the words to express the pain of not seeing them together now.

After I took this photo, I put my phone down and allowed myself to be fully present, in my body, held by the earth beneath me. I just let it be – the yearning for my mom and the sweet laughter and play against the setting sun.

Daria xo